Sunday, 26 August 2012

Daddy's girl........

Hello everyone. Now anyone who follows me on twitter will know that I had a wee bit of an exciting day today. As I tweeted this morning, I met my uncle today and he introduced me to my dad. Now I had some lovely tweets saying hope all goes well and similar sentiments, however  I then had to explain to my lovely tweeters that my dad would not actually be present today and then go on to explain why..........

My Dad Alan.....

yup, my dad is called Alan, Alan Elliott. He is the older brother of my uncle Clive who came to visit me today. Some 18 odd years older in fact, which makes him very old cus Uncle C is 60!!!! (sorry, u only look 48, honest xx). My dad was in the army for quite a while, and during that time he met my mum, fell in love and married her. They had a gorgeous little boy called Steve, my big brother, who till this day totally adores his dad, and then mum fell pregnant with me.
Clive has over the past few months been telling me lots of things about my dad. stories about how he adored Steve when he was little and how good he was to my mum, who was (and still is ) a sufferer of Bi-Polar disorder. My dad loved to drive, that was his job. This is  trait that appears to be genetic. My brother Steve is a lorry driver, and my boys both adore anything with engines, in fact my man-child is studying motor mechanics at college.
Today i found out my dad could be a bugger too, driving over 1oo miles to flip the finger at a bloke who wouldn't let him over take on one occasion, and another time selling Uncle C,s fishing gear while he was out of town for some pocket money. But overall he seams like a good guy.

so why wasn't he there today??

Well as I have told several twitter friends today, my dad wasn't present today because my dad is an angel.....  Now please don't think I've gone cuckoo.... I don't mean a man in a shiny white robe took advantage of my mum. He was a real man when I was conceived, but as you have probably guessed by now, he died. This happened a month before I was born, in a car crash, rushing home to be with his pregnant wife and their little boy after a long gruelling straight drive to Scotland and back.He was silly, didn't stop for a nap and in so doing fell asleep a mile from home and crashed..... a month before I was born...that's why he couldn't be there today.

I miss my dad.........
That might seam like a weird thing to say of someone you have never met, and you know what?? up until a few years ago I would have completely agreed.  So what has changed I hear you ask, or you might not ask but I'm telling you anyway..... well to be honest I don't know. I was told by a very bad person long ago that my dad was not a good man and had killed himself drink driving. With no family as such to ask about this I was bound to believe it and had never had much time for such people. However in the last two years, I have began to question what this bad person told me about alot of things, but as I said, with no family to ask as such, I was never going to get answers, so Left it at that.
Until early this year, when my brother ( who I would never have upset by asking the questions i needed to ask ) told me he had got in contact with our uncle. So fast forward to today. I know the real story about dads crash and more about him as well. So now maybe you are hoping that I have this image of a wonderful kind loving man that my uncle painted and  that is why I miss him???   well I'm afraid your wrong.
I still have this big black empty space where my dad should be. No voice, no image, and no memories. I was hoping to build up a mental picture of a man today, like you do with characters in a book. But a dad shouldn't be a character.... he should be real. And that is what I miss, the chance to have met the real  man, the chance to have images, sounds, anything to remind me of him. they say a person never dies if you keep their memory alive, and dad will never die for Steve or Clive. For me he never lived though, and that makes me sad...... I can share others memories, but I found today that is not enough to make him real......

Usually I try and find a positive spin to end my post... I could say that I have found a fabulous uncle now, or that I had a fantastic substitute foster dad, and all this is true, but sat here alone tonight, that is not making me feel any better.
So on that rather low not, I bid you all farewell..... Hope to see you all again soon when I'm cheerier, Tracey XX

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Thank you for spending a little of your time reading my post, I would love to hear your comments, see you soon I hope, Tracey xx